This week I am going to see a specialist for something that has really been bothering me.
And nothing. Nothing. No blips, no slips, no anything. Nothing.
Last year, my mother asked me if I had any news and all I could say with tears streaming down my face was, “No mom, not yet.”
Trying for three years to have a baby has been heart breaking. So many months go by and nothing. Friends all around me have had one, two. Some started trying and within months they are pregnant, and others who weren’t trying and had “oops” babies. All around me I was reminded of what wasn’t happening. Something has prevented us from succeeding, and after awhile the stress and the tears made life difficult.
They don’t tell you that it doesn’t always work.
You think you stop using protection and it happens right away.
Sometimes, you may even hold off until a few years after you are married to get started so that you can prolong your honeymoon. You have no idea that it could mean that you have to wait even longer.
Depression sets in.
Jealousy rears it’s ugly head and sometimes you find yourself crying after finding out that yet another person is having a baby or decorating their baby’s room.
Luckily for me, only one time was I ever really jealous. Everyone else I’ve been incredibly happy for them but that one time – that was a lowest of the low moment. I didn’t even really know this person and I think that’s what made it even harder. Everyone else that I knew I was happy for. But this person I barely knew but I walked away from the news with my heart heavy.
I never, ever have any jealousy or issue with children. I’m so happy to have children in my life that I can hold and hug and carry and make smile. Just because I’m not a mom, doesn’t mean I have a mom’s heart. I love kids. I want to share in their joy, sorrow and pain.
My biggest regret will always be that I wasn’t able to give my mother a grandchild before she passed. And I know that she and I talked about it last summer and she told me to not worry and that it would come in time. She loved me no matter what, and I just wish that I could give half the love she showed me to a child of my own.
Life is so precious.
I have no grandparents left. I only have my dad as my link to a previous generation and I haven’t been able to leave a mark of my own on the next generation. I have no one to pass down the stories to. No one to talk to about my memories and what I’ve done.
I’m a little melancholy tonight. I’m feeling down about what I don’t have but excited to go see the specialist this week and hopefully start in on the next step of the journey. If we can, or can’t have kids we’ll know. Not knowing is worse than knowing. If we can’t, we can look at other options.
I hesitate on posting this, as I know what people will think. They’ll take pity on me, because it’s happened before. Or they’ll think that I’m sad all the time or jealous of their children. Others will tell me I’m crazy and that I should enjoy this time while I have it to myself. They don’t understand that when I was a child I wanted two things – to be happy and to be a mom. It kills me that I’m not a mom as it seems to be making me unhappy.
This summer, my husband and I took some time off. We took the pressure off everything. We decided to have fun and celebrate the triumphs of our friends as they got married and got into the groove of parenthood. We didn’t look at getting a new dog. We didn’t actively try to do the deed at the prescribed time and took a huge amount of pressure off of ourselves. It felt great. It felt free. But the summer is now over. And my appointment that I’ve been waiting for is nearly here.
Three years. Three long years. How many more? How many more?