I have been dreading today for weeks – ever since they started putting ads all over newspapers, on television, on sidebars to web pages and even into my own email inbox. Every ad I saw I turned the channel, flipped the page or deleted. I didn’t want to see the words, I didn’t want to accept what it meant.
This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom.
The very first of many to come and it is a reminder of all the heartache and loss I’ve gone through over the past year. My mother was such an amazing woman and such an inspiration. She was tough when she needed to be, soft whenever possible, always smiling at everyone irregardless of where they came from.
I’m still shell-shocked that we lost her so fast. I know some people it’s sudden, as was the case with my Aunt Velma, but with my mom she was with us and smiling and laughing and then suddenly she was diagnosed with cancer and it consumed her. Every moment was precious and I appreciated all of them. For so long the focus has been on the end. The time when she was sick and the family was rallying around her and praying for some miracle. It was hard to remember that I had 32 years with her before she left this world – 32 years of memories and smiles. Of adventures and of love.
We found some voicemails emailed to us from my mom through Vonage. She sent them in 2010 so it was well before she was sick. Just hearing her voice brought tears to my eyes but I had to go through every one. I plan on doing it again as soon as I’m done this post because I know it’s a precious gift that not everyone has – the voice of their parent who has passed. A voice that makes them seem so alive and so real. All of her messages start out the same “Hi it’s just Mom calling.” Every single one. No wavering. It was almost like she was reading from a script.
This week at my group with the Coping Centre we are having a Memory Night. We are all to bring in things, be they pictures, songs, video, mementos and we are all going to share them and share our story. I had some grand dreams of putting together a book with pictures of my mom and her recipes. But for some reason when I went to do it, the images I had are too small. I could go re-scan them but the thought of going alone through all the pictures is overwhelming. It took 7 of us hours to go through them the first time. I fear doing this one alone would be completely overwhelming.
When I started this post, I didn’t want to write about me, I wanted to write about her. But I know that one of the biggest things that I wanted to get across to my 4 readers is that they need to appreciate life while they still have it. They need to capture memories on film. They need to hang on to those that they can while they still can and forgive people.
I say this, but I still have a hard time forgiving people for things that were said, or not said and things that were done, either to me or around me. I’m trying to let those I love, know that I love them. Because I really honestly and truly do. And I’m trying to let go of those that haven’t deserved my heart and in a way forgive them so they don’t take up so much head space. But that my folks is a post for another day.
Today I am going to honour my mom’s memory. I’m going to walk on the Hyde Tract, her family’s former land and I’m going to remember her and love her with all my heart. I’ve shed quite a few tears this morning, so I assume that I’m going to shed some more.
Please hug your moms. Show them you love them and tell them while you still can. I wish I could.