Working through it

Ever since I found out that my Aunt passed away, I’ve barely been able to sleep. I stay up until I’m too exhausted and then wake every morning at the same time on my alarm – 5:59. Not sure the significance but it’s really had me walking around like a zombie.This whole process of dealing with death is so different for so many people. Some people retreat within themselves. Some lash out. Some become weepy. Some question everything. Some put it all back on god. Some spend a lot of time praying. Some will have conversations with the person who has passed similar to ones they had when they were here.

All of those things are okay.

What’s not okay are the people that try to tell anyone grieving to just get over themselves.
What’s not okay are the people who say “I lost someone too but you don’t see me crying.”
What’s not okay are the people that try to tell you that it isn’t normal.

I’m not always dealing with this process well and I’ve been battling depression. Depression is something I’ve had to deal with for as long as I remember, same with anxiety. Two different beasts doing battle in my brain that it’s amazing I even leave the house at all.

To deal with the depression and the grieving process, I’ve signed up for a round at The Coping Centre. I’ve already had my intake interview and I’m 90% certain I’m in but until I get the official email in the next week or so I won’t know for sure. The Coping Centre brings together people who have fairly recently lost someone, be it a child, a parent, a spouse, a close friend; and allow the group to work together towards understanding, acceptance and coping skills to be able to work through it.

I think this process will really help me ride the waves of depression as they come rolling in and I find myself sitting and staring into space or playing endless hours of Freecell for no reason. I don’t know if Freecell is an unconscious decision because my mother and grandmother loved it, or if it’s just something I do to keep my brain active, but not fully turned on.

I’m working through this process the only way I know how. I’ve gone from 0 to 60 and back again with my emotions in the course of a half hour. If you can be patient with me and not put too much pressure on me, I can assure you that I am still the same person as I was before. I can still have a wicked sense of humor, kind words, hope for the future, dreams and wishes I’d like to share and a love that grows more and more every day for my family and close friends.

I’m feeling slightly hesitant for taking on new friends or letting in friends that don’t know my story. If that’s the case with you, and you feel that I’m standoffish and lack warmth, my apologies. I can’t change who I am now, and I may never go back to being the person who instantly welcomes you into my life and my heart. But as with above, if you have the patience, and don’t ask too much of me, I just might be someone you’d like to know.

In the meantime, I’m going to try and find some more sleep although I fear it will elude me.

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