Today I find myself reminded of my mom.

Today would be her birthday.

I still find it incredibly difficult to imagine that she’s gone. That we aren’t going to get a phone call. That she won’t be there when we pop in for a visit. That she isn’t going to walk around the corner. That she won’t tell me my hair is getting grey and I need to dye it. We won’t hear her criticism and we won’t hear her praise.

My mom was a very important aspect of my life. It pains me, today of all days, to think that I no longer have her in my life.

And I know I’ve said it before, she’s still in my heart and in my memories. And I can try and live in her image. But not having her here really hurts today.

Mom, I miss you. I miss all that you are about and all that you were. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss your uniquely coloured eyes and you twirling your hair.

I miss you.

We are one week and one day away from my birthday and this will be the first one without my Mom.

My mom always made sure that our family was with us for our birthday and no matter what she never forgot. She would always be there – always making sure we were remembered. She would call our siblings to remind them of your birthday. Even if there wasn’t a gift, there was a special card that she picked out just for you and it was just right.

In less than 2 weeks it’s going to be Christmas. Our first Christmas without my mom. My husband has told me that he’s always appreciated my mom’s gifts because she really puts a lot of thought into it. She tries to get it something you would like, and something that you’d need. She listens to you.

Or she did listen to you before she got cancer. Then she got sick and could only hear what was really important. To her that was family and to love and to laugh. And then she died and it feels like it’s harder to connect with family. Harder to love and harder to laugh.

I have been blessed – I have friends around me that love and support me. They talk with me through my feelings and want the absolute best for me. I have a husband who is trying to help me, even if I do tend to push him away sometimes because he’s doing it wrong. And even if I don’t talk to my siblings much, I do know they still love me.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting with a psychic for a tarot reading. I went to see one last year and he talked about my husband a lot. It seemed my husband’s spirit came through very strongly and he needed to do somethings to help him overcome obstacles. This reading was pretty much all about me.

My mom came through on the reading. She’s worried about me. She feels that I’m not focusing on me. She said that I give so much from my love bank to help others and be there for them and supportive of them, but when it comes time to put love back in my bank there aren’t a lot of people there to do it. The psychic told me that I need to ask for help. I need to ask those around me to help me to rediscover myself. She told me that I need to have fun and act silly. She said that she gets the feeling that something happened and I had to grow up almost over night.

Oh how I wish I could talk to my mom about this. I wish I could tell her all that was said and discuss my feelings about what they stated. I suppose this goes to the other thing the psychic said “Your mother feels that you have a lot of questions for her, but you already have the answers in your heart.”

One thing that was mentioned also by the psychic, was that I’ve spent so long focused on other people that I haven’t dealt with my grief. It’s true. Even if I spend a day sad, I haven’t actually dealt with it. I still can’t believe she’s gone. i still can’t believe that I don’t have a mom anymore. I see so many people talking about their mother in a bad way and I just want to shake them and tell them how freaking lucky they are.

I have so many issues, ideas, problems swirling in my head. The above blog is just the tip of the ice burg. Perhaps it’s time to start looking into counseling. Someone that can help me make sense of everything that’s going on and help me get through this. Let’s face it, if I can’t get through this, then I won’t get through this. Perhaps it’s time I really do ask for help.